It's been a month since I last posted, which is unusual for me. I do hope to go back and capture some of the days of this extraordinary season, but for now want to reflect a bit.
Why do I call it extraordinary?
I have experienced relationship with the Lord -- Father, Son and Spirit -- in the most tender, meaningful, and present kind of way. It's been rich, personal, joyful, as well as gut wrenching (as he's led me to confront my own sin), hard, but liberating! I feel so deeply cleansed having walked a road of obedience to whatever He has asked of me in the past six months.
This journey started in March, when I developed some pain in different areas of my body. After getting fully checked out medically and finding nothing, I went down the road of pressing in more than ever to listen and be with the Lord.
It took time; it took discipline. It's so much easier to just keep going, to keep busy. But the pain was relentless and in His grace for me, gave little choice but to stop. And in the stopping, I found stillness. With the Lord. In a way I'd never known before.
When I look back over these six months, and in particular the past month, as I've pressed in to being present in the here and now with Him more than I ever have, I am kind of at a loss for words about the preciousness of it. I have so deeply treasured and valued God's love for me as He relentlessly pursued me, taking us to new places in our relationship.
Being a person who enjoys productivity and results, it's been a humbling experience to be led to set those things aside and just "be".
Sometimes the being was with just Him; sometimes the being was with family and friends. Other times the being was just in quiet, with only the sounds of the surroundings next to me.
But in all of it, I found deep, deep peace and joy, rest and love in the "being". He likes being with me, and wants more of that (and I know for sure that He likes being with you too!)
To be honest though, it's a little hard to know where to go from here.
I am free of the pain now (for which I'm so grateful to the Lord) so can physically "get up and walk". But I don't want to just go back to walking (limping?!) in old ways. I want to walk in the kind of intimacy I've experienced with Him these past six months.
To be super honest, this new place He's led me to has some implications that make blogging a little difficult. And I'm still trying to discern what His way forward is for me in this.
Being present in the here and now with Him, and with others, means that I have to set aside some of my "future" thinking which is where my blogging brain has been over the past 14 years. There has always been a part of me that is thinking forward to what I might write about, rather than just being in the present.
If you've read this far, you're probably one of my regular blog readers (or family!). Thank you for being patient with me, and going on this journey with me. I have loved blogging all these years, and I think there are still more posts ahead. But it might look different going forward. I really don't know.
I'm praying and listening for how to live present, in the here and now, and still blog!
I know I'll do a bit of "catch up", because there are special memories I want to capture of the past month. And then we'll see what comes next.
For now, Psalm 16:11 best captures my expectation and hope for the future: "You will make known to me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand there are pleasures forever."
This is my hope for here and now with the Lord, as I seek to walk more closely with Him in his presence.
Thank you for all of your years of blogging. I have waited for each post with anticipation to see what you were doing, how the family was and where you were traveling to. Your blog has been the connection we have to your daily life. Of course we enjoy your visits and calls too.ReplyDelete
I know that you lived life for many years viewing it through the "blog filter". What events you could blog about and which ones would remain private. It has taken a lot of effort and energy to blog as much as you have. Thank you again for thinking of us as you lived your life and sharing it with us.
But for everything there is a season. Good for you to recognize that the next season of life might be lived with a different focus. Maybe more intentional in connecting with the Lord and viewing life through a different lens. You might not know what it is right now but as you move forward it will be revealed.
I have found from the outset of Covid that it's OK to try some new things, and to leave others behind. I never would have thought of disconnecting from sports for instance but find it more enjoyable now to go to the beach on the weekend and go fishing! I don't miss sports on TV or attending in person. Covid was forced onto us and was out of our control, just like the pain you have experienced. But let newness and beauty come from it and know it was needed for some unexplained reason.
Thanks again for the joy your blog has brought.
I started following your blog eight years ago when we signed up to support the Trenckmanns (elder and younger) and I saw a link on the JV website. I had a new baby and was transitioning from an intense job to the hidden life of a mother. Motherhood is such an interesting discipleship journey!! I needed models in those early, lonely years. I so deeply appreciated (and still appreciate) reading your reflections and joy in walking with God through everyday things. I started praying in the Prayer Room a few years ago thanks to this blog, and it's been a wonderful "training lab" for me. Whatever you decide to do about blogging, thank you for sharing your journey. It has been a real blessing and encouragement to me.
Kay Lynn Brown
I've loved your blogs and yet I can TOTALLY see what you're saying now that you're saying it----in that writing about your days and documenting your days, it could be in the way of being present. Oh how faithful God is (all Three of Them!) to rework things for you in ways that are about more specific focus and with new assignments....What a beautiful way to end your 50th year. It's time for a reboot and I LOVE that you are "all in" when it comes to following Their lead. I love you and love that you've had this sacred time with the Three. :o)ReplyDelete