I couldn't go in the house for a while so just sat on our swing outside, remembering all the sweet moments I've had out here with her, at all times of day and in all sorts of weather.
The grief was just as strong this morning when I woke up. I missed her morning greeting, her "trip trap" down the stairs, and opening the door for her to go outside. These have been part of the morning routines of our life with her for the past 7 1/2 years.
It was equally hard to see places in the house that reminded me of her...like her basket of toys.
How many hours I sat on that hearth after she's poked her head in, nudging them out of the basket?! This never failed to get me to sit there, throwing one after another for her while she wildly chased after them.
But do you know what the Lord did for me this morning? He led me through the house, to place after place, speaking quietly to my soul and reminding me of the lessons I'd learned from Kaylee, of the sweet moments with her, and that she had been well loved by us.
What a merciful gift to me in my grief.
One of the most profound things I realized was how beautifully she represented the Father's heart to me.
Ever loving, never complaining, patient with me, giving grace after grace each time I left her and returned home. She happily and joyfully greeted me each time as if I had never left.
She was the Father's loving heart for me every day! No matter if I was home or not...she was loving me. I could go to the "far side of the sea", but I couldn't go away from her love...she showed that every time I returned!
I am beyond overwhelmed by my Father's extravagant love, displayed in my little Kaylee for all these years, when I didn't even comprehend it. Only in death did I comprehend. And it was only in HIS death, that made that kind of love possible.
Just as I had finished my walk through the house with the Lord, Claire sent me a text asking if she could stop by to bring me something. A few minutes later she walked through the door, bringing those flowers.
"I thought you needed these this morning, Mom, to remind you of our Kaylee, who was a bright spot in our lives."
It couldn't have been a more perfect punctuation moment from the Lord -- !!!!! He was saying to my heart, "When you think of her, especially in sadness, press into me, and remember that I sent you my love in a little furry coat for 7 1/2 years, as a visible reminder that I love you...when you think of her, remember that I am STILL loving you!"
What a good, good Father He is, loving me, loving you, in so many ways that we're often unaware of. But I now know that whenever I think of Kaylee, I'll remember that she was sent on assignment to be a display of my Father's love and heart for me.